Again I go un-noticed…
“I don’t want you to have to go through this on your own, let me be there please?”
Like I said “love shows itself in many shapes and forms” sometimes when it appears, you don’t even notice it! This is the worst kind of love, it all happens so quickly you don’t get the chance to compose yourself and you are expected to make decisions is a heart-beat, and you do, but when the after effects of your mistake have passed and the dust settles, it hits you, like a speeding train, realisation! It’s a nightmare, its unpredictable and so hard to handle it’s uncompromising, relenting and never shows mercy but most of all it just hurts; it reminds you repeatedly how stupid you are, and that you made the wrong decision, but you know what the worst bit about realisation is? Apart from letting you know what you’ve lost, it constantly reminds you that you’ll never have it back! Do keep in mind though, that you can stay friends!
Friendship, its one of the tools that realisation uses to aid it’s war that it’s waged against you, just one of the tools in its colossal arsenal, another being redemption, this ‘redemption’ is the holy grail, everything you want right in front of you, dangling on a string, realisation plays this card so well, it will keep you at a distance, a safe distance, so it can stay in control, but once every so often you’ll raise your hopes, and believe its within your grasp, and in this instance the whole world seems to disappear and fade out, just you and all your hopes and dreams stood in the haze of utopia, it never last’s though, it always crumbles around you, and all of this happens in what seems like forever, when in actuality its just a heart-beat, one single breath and your world falls apart, listen closely, I mean block out all the noise and pay attention, you will almost be able to hear it, the sound of realisation laughing at you in the distance, with a vindictive little snigger on its bitter little face!
Another tool in this well skilled and accomplished arsenal that realisation has developed for itself, is ‘self-diagnosis’ it uses this to help build the pretence that things are going to get better, something I’m the king of, I suppose this where my fear of counsellors and all other psychologists comes from, I am a firm believer that all they do is aid realisation, and their argument for this is that “realisation is the key to helping yourself” the last thing I need to do is have somebody else sit and preach to me about what is wrong with me, I can tell you that, and then to top it off they have the bloody audacity to put a label on me,
“I believe that your suffering form an adjustment disorder Anthony” an adjustment disorder, a fucking adjustment disorder, are you kidding me? I am the most well adjusted person you can ever hope to meet, all be it adjusted to this routine mundane life, but never the less very adjusted thank you, so you know what you can do with your disorder? I am more than capable of telling you what is wrong with me; I mean take this book, think about it; nothing more than a glorified list of what I believe is wrong with me and my life, and life in general!
The problem is this, for all your self-diagnosis, at the end of the day its redundant, you will never have the spirit to actually do anything about it, a cure to every one of your problems might lay in front of you, but its valour that you’ll be lacking in the final moment, and you have realisation to thank for that, by this point its laboured hard to turn you into the cowardly wreck you see in the mirror each morning.
Just an idea…