It’s an odd feeling really, sort of starts at the bottom, right in the pit of your stomach, then builds and hits you right when you least expect it, it gets stronger until your heart feels like its about to burst out of your chest!
She’s lying next to me right now, and I feel like crying, because all I can do will never be enough.
Friendship is all I can hope for, friendship the word that rings loud in my ears each and every morning when I wake up and see her picture next to my bed.
Hope is another word, this word is more powerful; it has the ability to destroy men and destroy lives, to live in hope, blind hope is a dangerous thing, going through life with no certainties no idea of what will come next and no idea of weather the person you worship to the point where it makes you bleed will ever love you in the same way you do her, but what else can you do?
Give up on hope? That’s a risky prospect!
You know, I am not sure I would even use the word love, am beginning to think that it’s a fallacy, the single most fucked up four letter word in the English language, apart from maybe hope, but this word ‘love’ is able to create so many emotions, from hate, fear, passion, lust, and a whole catalogue of others, it provokes memories which will make us cry and images that will make us smile.
I am fast starting to believe that love is a concept dreamt up by lonely people to give them hope, hope that they will not spend their lives alone, that one day their brave prince charming will too come riding in on his valiant steed to take them away from their turmoil.
I am not saying lets abolish the idea of love because that would simply be stupid not to mention impractical, too remove a word from existence just because it makes you feel sad, not the best idea, am just saying that maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to fall in love, to the point where we become dependant, so hopelessly ridiculously dependant on another person for happiness, that when they are no longer there to be by your side you don’t know what to do?
I myself prefer not to call it love, I don’t like that word, its an ugly word, I think I would call it ‘Geronimo’ yes that’s it, from this day forth I will no longer call love by that over-used four letter word, from this forth I will call it ‘Geronimo’, but wait “what does Geronimo mean” I can hear you cry?
Well I will tell you friends, I just like the rest of you out there have been in that state of perpetual loneliness, dependant on another, then lost that person, being so crazy about a person that you would do anything for them, you would jump off the tallest building and all you would scream on the way down is “Geronimo”
Now, I have to try and close my eyes knowing that when I do I will see her there waiting for me, in the only place she still keep me company my dreams, some solace I suppose, this time is different to all the previous this time I will open my eyes and she will be there unknowingly tormenting me.
I have come to dislike going to sleep each night, her being the last thing that goes through my head and the first thing when I wake up, is not the best though, it has a habit of setting my mood for the rest of the day.